Thursday, July 16, 2009

Day 10 July 16, 2009

I have another data point…the single shot latte was too much for me again this morning. I asked Frank to make mine a “scant” single shot tomorrow and I’ll see how that feels. I can feel the caffeine in my eyeballs…my eyes dart all about, I can feel the caffeine in my mind…I have a million thoughts and ideas vying for attention, making me both scattered and intense at the same time. My body wants to purge the excess energy by running around, and I am talking way too fast for everyone’s good.

My gosh, I used to live my entire LIFE this way!

I found it challenging to keep my hear rate above 100 while vacuuming. One cannot vacuum quickly as the vacuum cannot keep up. I found myself moving large pieces of furniture and vacuuming behind them, just to keep my heart rate up. I then switched to the hand vacuum…with attachments! I vacuumed the kittens’ taj mahal…my goodness it was full of hair. I hadn’t noticed it before. I got into all those tiny places where the big vacuum can’t reach. Then I hand vacuumed the rug in the studio…the kitten’s hair sticks like glue to it. Now my heart rate is nice and high and I have a light sweat going. Okay, I’ll need to get out the hand vacuum more than occasionally and really do the deeper cleaning in order to make it aerobic housecleaning. I am so motivated today.

I have that “hungry” feeling again today…the one that is really my natural energy emerging. Only it feels restless and unfocused. I put on my calendar that I was going to work for my entrepreneur today from home, but I REALLY want to play with my own business or go outside and do yard play. So I sit at the computer and piddle around…some work for Penny, some work for me. Hard to accurately track my Penny-time this way and really not accomplishing much in either arena. Finally, the time came for my Reiki client, so I was relieved from my unfocused antics.

Now the house is quiet…Frank is up in SF tonight with his son and Cap has gone to bed. I’ve got about 2-hours to myself. Immediately I have a strong urge to eat something semi-sweet, buttery, and carbohydratey…like a coffee cake (that I could so easily make in a nano second and eat it fresh and warm). I’m excited for my time alone and my natural energy is spewing out and I want to control it with carbs so that I can make my alone-time super productive.

For the first time in 10 days the thought actually comes to me to just forget this natural energy thing for one night and just eat something. The thought is like a slap in the face and I am conscious again. I will not eat…I will not give up 10 glorious days into my incredible journey. I would totally diminish myself if I gave in to that thought. It’s only one thought of the hundreds of thoughts going though my mind. Thoughts are NOT necessarily the truth. When I get calm and sit with myself and ask, “What do I really want?” My body and soul answer with crystal clear vision: I want to break the habit of controlling my natural energy with food and learn to dance with it on my own. Now THAT is a core truth. When I say it, I feel my cells and my spirit resonating with a grand “YES”.

Did I think my journey was going to be easy? No. I think I wrote earlier that I was going on a 30-day wilderness hike, not a simple stroll in the park. Well, here is a wide river that I much forge if I want to learn how to continuously live in my natural energy. Being conscious of the driving thoughts is a HUGE part of my learning. I think the best thing to do is not ignore this urge to eat, but to take some time out and sit consciously with it – to listen to my soul, to look at the wounds it’s bringing with it and see how I might do some healing tonight. Suddenly, gratefully, my “productiveness” doesn’t seem to mean anything to me anymore. I have a wonderful opportunity to heal tonight…and that’s what I’m gonna do! Ahhh, the tears are coming – I am telling my truth… and I am noticing that my urge to eat is subsiding. I think I hit the nail right on the head. Okay, off to heal and love myself the best way I know how: Reiki meditation :)


Chris Flynn said...

Dear Joyce... I really resonate with your "unfocused antics"... thank you for your insights. It really helps me see inside of myself as well.

You are such a blessing.
I love you.

Aprils Song said...

WOW JOYce, you blow my socks off!

What a profound observation you had last night. If I got this the end your resistance was to self healing, true time with self, even self relationship.

This is right in my face, because I find the same experiences coming up for me. Next time I have that restless, nothing feels like the right thing to do, but eat...I am going to check in with myself, with honesty and see what the answer is.

I am thankful for you commitment JOYce. When the time is right, I would like to do this same 30 day conversation with food, self and my natural energy.

Love you and eternally grateful for your friendship.