Saturday, July 18, 2009

Day 12 July 18, 2009

Well, I missed posting yesterday. The day just got away from me and I told myself I would post first thing in the morning. But this morning arrived and the weed whacker was calling me. Now it’s late in the day and I can’t even remember how I felt yesterday. Oh well…lesson learned. Post every day on the day.

Weed whacking was fun – 2 hours of it! I went through 2 spools of line. Finished the front yard and about half of the back. Got my heart rate up for the 30-minutes, that is for sure! I had to stop because my forearms were literally shaking…I couldn’t hold the weed whacker up anymore. Then I pruned out some suckers from the fig tree, along with some volunteer blackberry vines – geez they are invasive. I have this image of me sitting in my backyard meditating and when I open my eyes, I’ll be wrapped in berry vines – sort of Stephen King-esq.

Some kids down the street have been screaming/playing and a dog has been incessantly howling all afternoon. Man, that all just gets on my nerves. Even thought I know the kids are having a marvelous time, that high-pitched scream just gets to me. It keeps my body on high alert…like someone is in danger. As for the dog…constant barking or howling does the same thing…the poor guy is in distress…because of the screaming kids no doubt. Tried closing the windows to minimize the noise…then it got too hot and stuffy, so I opened them again and tried to deal with it all. I hear Frank yell from outside in the backyard for the kids to quiet down…it’s getting to him too.

In this agitated state, I want to eat…chocolate, carbs, crunchy things, sweet things. Anything to mitigate this adrenalin inside of me. I feel a headache coming on. I rationalize that I haven’t eaten lunch yet (it’s after 3pm) and that I am quite hungry, so I make myself a salad and splurge on the dressing - homemade thousand island! It’s full of lots of crunchy things and it settles me down a bit. I feel good about my choice. I really don’t think a salad is going to unnaturally alter my energy :) I do realize, however, that the habit of running to food when agitated has been utilized.

So while I’m on this poor-me trip, I’ll tell you another thing. Twelve days into my journey and I haven’t lost one single pound. Don’t you find that interesting? I do. I mean, I’m not eating chocolate, which is full of calories and fat. I’m not running to food when I’m agitated nor am I overstuffing myself. And, this week I got my heart rate up, past 100 bpm for 30-minutes or longer, three days. Shouldn’t SOMETHING have dropped off???? Nope…I’m EXACTLY the same weight today as I was 12 days ago.

As I’m feeling now, I’m wondering if it’s all worth it. I’ve put a lot of energy and attention to this over the last 12 days and here I still sit, in my own angst. I don’t want to feel my own angst…that’s why I’ve developed this great habit :) Okay, I’m laughing at myself now. Yes, yes…the mirror is up and I’m looking straight in it. Sitting with my own angst… right now these feelings are very raw and immature. They’ve not been allowed out for a very long time. I wonder what will happen over time. Will they minimize? Will I find another, healthier salve? Or do I just learn to sit with them and not be overtaken by them? I will stay with this journey until these questions are answered…12 days… and counting.

Ahhhh, the children and dog are now quiet. And so is my agitation…not because of the silence, but because of the calmness that has come from discovering my truth…from stopping long enough in the throws of it all to witness myself and to get in touch with what I really want.

Peace and joy have returned. Hallelujah!

Hmmm… am I attached to peace and joy? Okay, okay, I’ll stop…for now :)

1 comment:

Chris Flynn said...

Joyce... I see peace and joy, your constant companions. I send our local vocal canine lots of loving energy. I'm not sure if it quiets them or calms me. I'll keep seeing your neighbor hood critters, human and otherwise... happy and contented, playing quieter summer games.

Mostly, I see you continuing your marvelous journey inward. I really don't believe it is the weight as much as the energy feeling your are attending to. You are so beautiful. Your energy is real, authentic, and genuine. The land is lucky to have your attention. (Want to come over here???)

Thank you for chronicling your journey. You share from the heart and I feel so connected.

Love and blessings, Chris