Saturday, July 25, 2009

Day 18 July 24, 2009

I feel like a snake, who has just swallowed a huge rat…eyes rolled back, and a big lump at mid-section.

Tonight, I made a casserole for dinner. Frank and I actually sat down at the kitchen table and ate together (usually, we eat independently, outside, or at our desks). The casserole dish was also at the table, and I kept helping myself to “just one more small helping” after another. When I became conscious of my actions, I noticed that there was absolutely no sensation in my stomach…the pang of being too full was absent. I was totally numb.

This is what keeps me eating, this numbness. If I felt uncomfortable, I would stop, out of self-preservation. I suppose at some point there is a signal to stop, but it get ignores, then goes away completely. Even when I’ve finally stopped eating…and who know what triggers that…I’m not in pain, even though I’ve eaten as much as three meals.

Then, for the rest of the night, I’m craving a “pick-me-up” and the knee-jerk solution of chocolate kicks in. I check in with my body, and it assures me this would not be a good thing…it would only exacerbate the situation. “No,” it tells me, “there is nothing to do but wait this out. Drink water and wait.” So I struggle all night with wanting to counteract all the food in my system with something else. I think of having just a few chocolate chips…just enough to get the sweetness in my mouth. But my wisdom tells me I could never have just a few chocolate chips. Then the bag would be opened and I would be tempted from then on out…all night and each day…knowing the bag was OPENED. We’ve got a big day tomorrow and I want to enjoy my natural energy. I don’t want to be dragging myself all around the Gilroy Garlic Festival because I overloaded my system with both food and chocolate the night before. So I remain firm in my commitment to myself.

Now I am curious about this signal to stop eating. I do feel it sometimes, but at certain times, I obviously bypass it. What is that all about? What is going on with me at that moment when I dismiss the body’s natural urge to stop eating? These are questions I will attempt to stay conscious enough in the eating to answer.

Another layer…just peeling back the shadows of myself so that my pure energy can emerge…and endure.


Aprils Song said...

I feel like I am reading a detective novel and I can't wait until I can sit down to read it again. This is absolutely fascinating! Thank you for taking us into the mystery.

You and Frank Have FUN Today...I know you are!


Chris Flynn said...

Dearest Joyce... your postings not only shed light on your journey, but guide me deeper into my own.

You are a blessing, Thank you
love Chris